(These pieces are the harmless ramblings of an intelligent, well-educated and well-travelled man and they are read and enjoyed by many. It is advisable to avoid over analysing in the name of political correctness. The ramblings are generally well informed and amusing but there is no malice intended. The ramblings have been published on the website for four years and have taken up a significant amount of storage which has affected the editing of the website. For this reason the original text has been deleted for most of the pieces but has been stored for access for those who may wish to visit the earlier thoughts of Mr Rugge - Price.
They can be reached here
I discovered last week that three of our extended family have caught Coronavirus but all are back in their feet, strangely they were all young!
Being locked down, alone in an apartment or a small house with several kids must be difficult so we are lucky that there is our garden and the forest around us. The latter makes dog walks possible whilst the former is being transformed under the orders of “She who must be Obeyed”. A great friend of ours, Trish, has her favourite rake while Paula has her clippers, and woe betide if you should even touch them.
Another aspect of daily life is washing up. In order to save essentials, we are not using our dishwasher every day, and so dishes, pots and pans are now hand washed in the kitchen sink, and therein lies the rub! Dishwashing never was my strong point and so I come in for a fair amount of stick over my efforts.
“Don’t tell me you washed this, obviously you can’t see!”
So, I include this comment from a Correspondent in the Daily Telegraph which makes the point much better than me.
Meanwhile Orford continues on daily, tractors trundle by from dawn to dusk, you can’t lock a good farmer down! Delivery vans deliver and Ian, our stalwart postman waves at us through the window. The Village food shops, and the wonderful people manning them, are a credit to behold.
As her Majesty said, “We’ll Meet Again”
Jeremy Rugge Price
Orford, as a trading port, has been involved in an infectious plague once before, during the Black Death in 1347 in fact.
In 1347, twelve trading vessels arrived in Messina, Sicily. Many on board were already dead whilst others, all Spotty Muldoons and very sick with putrid and suppurating black sores all over their bodies, were ordered back to sea, but to no avail, the Black Death had arrived in Europe, having started originally in China some 2000 years previously. The plague had gradually worked its way west via overland trade routes such as the Silk Road connecting East to West and later by ocean going trading ships.
Not much change there, for trading vessels, read commercial aircraft and cruise ships!
Many considered it to be the Wrath of God and the only cure was heavy duty penance for forgiveness. As per usual, Europe’s Jewish population took a severe bashing, whilst here some males took to self-flagellation, touring in a group from town to town and beating themselves in the town square which they repeated three times a day before moving on to the next town. There were no PC plods to stop and fine them back then.
Having been beaten at school, I cannot recommend it, it hurts, and by the way I think Orford’s Old Stocks are in the church right now, maybe they need to be got out?
This lockdown is more than likely, going to take longer than the original estimates, but that is no reason for despair as there are a myriad of online courses, covering just about everything from cooking aubergines, the only veg left on many supermarket shelves, to tips on car maintenance. One of the latter is to remind you to move your vehicle every few days otherwise you will ruin your tyres for ever.
It is also best to keep a sense of humour in troubled times, those of us that have a military background know this very well, and while man cannot live by laughs alone, it does help dispel gloom and despondency.
I read today that Celia Walden, married to the dreaded Piers Morgan, lost one of her cell phones to her eight-year-old daughter. Yesterday Celia received a call from a helium sounding voice. “Can I speak to Elise please.” She asked who was speaking and the voice just repeated the question, so she ran downstairs to tell daughter Elise, who was standing with a ‘phone stuck to her ear. “This is for you” Celia said “Not now Mum, can’t you see I’m on another call”
Jeremy RP April 1
Paula and I are now entering our fourth week of isolation, we started early, low immune system being one of our pre-existing reasons, but due to the massive support from neighbours and local shops, we are plodding along fine.
Orford shops, the General Store, Pump St Bakery, The Meat Shed, Pinneys and last but by no means least, the Clinic, are all to be given a huge Orford Clap, and that goes especially to all those individuals working in these places.
Both pubs are doing takeout meals, while, as of now, farmers and fishermen are hard at it. Then there are the individuals delivering food orders, others driving to supermarkets to shop for those who can’t.
Thank you one and all.
There is no end in sight as yet, and it could get tougher down the pike; I would recommend that you read Bill Gates’s recent forecast for the virus, he may be talking about the US, but it is a good description of what could happen here, vis a vis big cities and the countryside.
Meanwhile a few pics of life in the trenches
A wee lassie helps her Ma clean the bathroom
Easter Hols and schools are out, so normally this would be a time to welcome our visitors but, given the present public problems of gathering in maddening crowds, it’s probably not the best idea, but whether Mr & Mrs Joe Pee and all their little Peas will wish to hunker down amongst the mountain of bog rolls in their semi, is up for grabs right now and only time will tell.
Therein lies a problem, for our Council Kharzis are definitely not fit for purpose right now I’m talking about cleanliness overall, never mind the fact that a roll of the actual Andrex won’t last past the first potty session. I have cleaned many an ablution in my time as a recruit in basic training in the late 1959. At Barnard Castle Camp, our communal Khazi block housed twenty loos and a long smelly yellow wall of urinals for 100 men, and it required two recruits to scrub out each day. The smallest bit of brown would quickly let you down and meant you had to clean the whole block the next morning at 0500hrs. This also included polishing the copper piping and brass taps as well.
I mention this as I don’t suppose many Orfordians have had the opportunity to watch the East Suffolk Khazi Cleaner in action, but as I’m down there every early morning, I have cast my expert eye on his operation. He dismounts from his truck, walks into the Ladies, comes out again in less than a minute and repeats the same in the Gents, then climbs back in the truck and drives off. At no time is there anything in either hand in terms of cleansing equipment, maybe he just wipes it down with bare hands! So, dear readers, these loos are about to become ‘Crxp & Collect” distribution points. May I suggest you stay clear and stay well.
JEREMY R P
There go my Bog Rolls Greedy Arsxholx
So now we are both interned for the foreseeable future, our combined ages and health problems deem it most necessary, although we may be seen driving to various wooded parts to walk Ace each day.
Thankfully our esteemed Council already instigated the village emergency delivery system.
It’s abundantly clear Boris has lost the plot, and as for “herd immunity” I hope he included himself!
Until recently, I had been looking forward to March, it’s my birthday month and this year is a real biggie, I will have been around for four score years as of the 23rd of March, provided Connie D doesn’t get me between now and then! It’s a thought that gave rise to my past and varied brushes with Old Father Time. It’s not all been plain sailing, five times I have had some very near misses as the Grim Reaper tried to scythe my feet from under me.
It began in the autumn of 1944 when a V2 rocket landed a hundred yards away from the cottage where we were living, in June. Our Dad had gone off to Normandy so we had been moved out of our billet in Hampshire. On that particular night, my dear brothers and I were, truly, home alone. Ma had gone off to a night club in London to dance the night away, and our carer, a sixteen year old girl, had put us in bed and then left for an away match with a USAAF Sergeant - I saw his stripes when he peaked around the bedroom door to say goodnight - so the three of us were grabbing a few zedz in the dark when all the mullioned windows blew in accompanied by an ear splitting explosion. I was sick in the bed and so had to lie in it for hours while my brothers in the next room cried. But of course, no one came. Our Ma was the first back as daylight approached!
The second was when, aged eleven, I lost a kidney due to a riding accident; there was no mark other than a red welt where it kicked me, so I was sent to rest on my bed in the east Wing under the care of our Norland Nanny. About an hour later I needed a wee, but it came out as blood which I found curious, so when “Nanny dear” came to see me I told her. The sxxt hit the fan and I was whistled of to Newmarket Hospital in an old US Army ambulance with the wailing siren going full blast, I was most impressed. I didn’t actually know just how close I was to walking off the stage till years later as, apparently, I weren’t supposed to survive the day.
Seven years later old King Neptune nearly dragged me down to Davy Jones Locker! As an eighteen-year-old deckhand on a ten thousand tonne cargo ship, I volunteered to go out on the open foredeck with a mate and lash down some items that had broken loose. The only trouble was we were in the middle of a Category 5 hurricane in the Indian Ocean at the time, and the Captain’s daily log showed waves from 75 to 100 feet and winds of 180 mph gusting over 200. As we were going back down the foredeck, a freak wave picked us up and we were definitely going overboard but luckily hit a cast iron steam winch on the way out, which knocked us out but saved our lives.
Nine months later on the same ship I fell exactly 35 feet down an open cargo hatch while we were unloading in Cape Town. I regained consciousness in the hospital with a nurse staring at me. She told me what had happened and said to keep absolutely still while she fetched the Doc as an X-ray had shown I had two battered vertebrae. As soon as she left the room, and knowing the ship was sailing that night, I grabbed my shorts and shoes and bolted back on board.
The fifth was in Rio de Janeiro, when I was one of the drivers in the World Cup Rally. We were swimming off Ipanema Beach when I got cramp, one friend held me up while the other swam for help, but the former had to let go as he got cramp too. I had been up and down three times and had ceased fighting to stay afloat - the film of life was on the screen - when I was pulled back up to the surface by two teenagers.
The last was a shooting accident some fifty years ago, when an eminent QC tried to shoot two low partridges and shot me instead, on the left side of my face and shoulder. If either bird had swerved left in flight, I would have taken both barrels. He was dug in, six foot under, a few months later but I can assure you, I had nothing to do with it.
So, you see, you must all take good care of yourself if you wish to remain above ground, especially with this Connie D around, methinks old Whu Flun Dung has a few things to answer for!
My guess is we’ll have rationing soon, so it’s back to where I began in 1940.
By the way, the Loo Roll Crisis, as a country we are the biggest exporter of soft loo paper in the World, bet you didn’t know that!
There is a cherry tree that has been in full blossom for the past two weeks, the daffodils are out and our lawn needs cutting and yet it’s still February. So apart from The Idiot Genius Trump, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see Climate Change is here to stay, and we all have to do our bit. What we don’t need is extinction rebellion making trouble for the public and the police as they just did in Cambridge, digging up a garden lawn and putting up roadblocks that even stopped ambulances from going thru. My suggestion for them would be that once arrested, they should be given a punishment (under guard,) of verge cleaning on our Country’s roads. This policy is used in the US to good effect and prisoners in orange suits and shackles can be seen picking up rubbish. As we have some of the most disgusting highway verges in Europe, it would help make the Britain greener. After all, that’s what XR is all about, isn’t it? The XR public relations is a disaster and a senior Plod is on record as saying that the more extreme, visible and vocal XR activists are those who are seen at almost every other ‘PC cause celebre’ protest around the Country, as it’s their regular day job. One of the problems is that Plod is scared of arresting them in case they sue! This is Politically Correctness gone totally cockamamie, and it doesn’t stop there. Activist vegans are feeling empowered by a recent judicial decision, now they demand a separate shelf in the office refrigerator and cannot be sent to any public event that involves animals, such as camel racing, pig sticking or donkey derbies, not even the crab races here on the Quay.
The Luck of the Irish - One of the lesser known Brexit Day plots was that of the IRA to blow up a large truck on a ferry traveling to the U.K. at precisely the hour of Brexit Leave time. The ensuing loss of life would have been catastrophic and might well have sunk the whole ship, but for the fact that the Irish plotters put the bomb in a truck that wasn’t being used! T’be shure, dey wus arl lookin de same! Plus ca change there, methinks. Did you hear the one about......etc.
Time Out - Interesting article in the Telegraph today from one of my favourite ladies, Alison Pearson. It addresses the nationwide problem of our doctors’ appointments, allowing for just a single symptom to be addressed per ten-minute visit. She mentions several cases where people had suffered much more dangerously as a result of this restriction. When one of the more elderly, like me, are called in by the Doc, it takes a couple of minutes to get up, shuffle into the office and sit down again, so duffers like me are already down to 7.5 mins and that’s before I try and remember what a came here for!
Workers Unite - Mrs Patel has suggested that the thousands of British unemployed will pick up the slack when EU workers are sent home! Dream baby dream, they don’t wanna work! Minimum wage and zero hours contract, not exactly encouraging. Remember my old Mates Alf and Bert that used to fill our potholes every winter, well the council street sweeper machine was here last month, but it was now driven by Drago and guided by Stefan, they did a good job but once they have gone back to Rumania, who’s gonna take up the slack?
Meghan the Manipulator - The latest ‘essay’ from Mrs Sussex shows that she is the power behind Harry’s throne. I’m beginning to feel sorry for him, one day he’s gonna wake up and sniff the coffee, and there won’t be sugar in it.
Floral Tribute - Last week a lady had to attend a wedding and then a funeral on the same day, so she had a special floral hat made. The wedding was fine but before the funeral she lost the hat, only to see it pass by on top of the coffin!
Truth is stranger - Coronavirus Quarantine China erected two hospitals, some 2500 beds, in two weeks. Lincoln County Hospital did this in a day! The bad part there is no heat or running water.
Jeremy Rugge-Price Feb 20
The fireworks of New Year’s Eve had hardly spluttered into oblivion in the night sky, when Donald the Demented pulverised General Soleimani into a rare hamburger at Baghdad’s airport.
The more worrying thought is that President Chump has his finger on the Nuclear Red Button. Shortly thereafter, the Iranians fired back, which was quickly followed by the much-touted Revolutionary Guard shooting down a Ukraine passenger jet; so much for their aircraft recognition skills.
Just as I was catching my breath, Harry and his wife threw a hissy fit with their exposure to the Media, and she left for Canada rather than face the music, I suspect that advice came from Meghan’s PR advisors in California. Poor Harry, like bunnies in the headlights, I think he has caught a dose of Meghanmatosis. As is well known in most military planning, once over the start line, chaos looms, and so it did with this Megxit plot, as their first action in Canada was to warn the Canuck media not to take pictures; talk about out of the fire and straight into the frying pan!
In the long haul, Harry could be facing an even more public oriented fate for little Archie. Mrs Sussex is looking for an agent to handle her future Hollywood career, while the Palace has let it be known that the side door isn’t locked!I don’t like the look of it!
That was all a frantic and fraught beginning to the year, but there is always some good to find amongst the chaos, and in this case all news of Brexit was well and truly buried somewhere in the back pages.
Over the Christmas holidays I saw selfies on Instagram of my friends and followers either schussing down the mountain side or absorbing rays on sun drenched beaches. All the things I loved to do once upon a time, but now only possible in my dreams. Actually, my dream skiing has much improved, I no longer hear cries of “Bend ze knees” or “Keep ze skis togezza”, as I nonchalantly skim down a double black run.
In past dreams I often used to fly, but now it’s better to keep my feet on the ground, or at least while I’m still above it, and anyway, when I turn up at the Pearly Gates, JC is hardly likely to hand me a pair of Angels wings, I’ll be told to get a shovel from the stores and report to the boiler room to hump coal to keep the fires burning. There again he might he have done away with fossil fuel?
Orford, at this time of year, is wonderful, peace reigns, no queues in the Bakery and you can park virtually anywhere, or at least you will be able to until April. Suffolk Council is sending meter maids to patrol our streets and lanes, residents and cone heads alike are going to be at their mercy. That is going to be quite testing for some of us, but a disaster for summer visitors who park anywhere and everywhere, regardless of no parking signage. There is a rumour that some of the Square parking is going to be for residents only, that’s a great idea if it works, and how about a space on the Quay for fishermen unloading, our poor Harbourmaster is going to be extremely busy with the overload.
In order for this to work, the meter maids and men will need to be here on Saturday and Sunday at peak hours around 2pm, so that removes most Brits from doing it, I wonder where they will recruit the team?
But there is worse news than that as the waves are now breaking around the actual lighthouse tower, the safety wall in front having been washed away. It will be a very sad day when the tower begins to collapse and disappears from view. Like many an ancient mariner, I have travelled the Oceans of the World and was guided safely by their beams of light. RIP
I see some vegan activists are at it again, they don’t like handling our new plastic money, cos it’s got some pig fat in there somewhere. Gadzooks, Shades of the Indian Mutiny, What! Personally, I prefer Gunga Din any day.
I watched the Holocaust programmes on Auschwitz and Belsen this week, I was stationed near Belsen in the ‘60’s. There was a very strange atmosphere all around the forest, and although only the guardhouse still remained standing, there were no birds or animals and when you let your dog out of the car, his hackles went up immediately.
Here in Suffolk we have a new record, Plump, a small owl, was found sitting by a ditch and on approach she just stood there. She had noshed so many meeces, (plural for mice) that her weight prohibited take off. After a spell of rehab in the Suffolk Owl Sanctuary, she lost a few grams and is now back on Mouse Patrol. I’m thinking of checking in there myself!
Finally Charlie Cooper: I was talking to a mate of mine in the Quay early this morning as the dawn peeped over the Lighthouse, and he said what a cheerful bloke he had been, despite years of painful adversity, and I totally agree with that sentiment. There were times that he and I would meet around the Square, and his humour and bonhomie shined through.
Charlie, from an Old Harrovian, Floreat Etona and now rest without pain.
Jeremy Rugge-Price Jan 20
The TV news programmes are full of pictures of vast firework displays around the globe heralding the New Year in. Sadly there was no photo of the happenings in Orford. In fact, had I not been on one of my many nocturnal jaunts to the Thomas Crapper China Bowl, I would probably have missed it myself.
As per normal, we were both tucked up and away in the Land of Nod by 8.30. A few hours later just as I got to the loo, there was a Snap, Crackle and Pop as three fireworks went off, followed by silence and I realised it was already 2020. Time is not of the essence in Orford, so over the next thirty minutes there were similar small “noises off” in the distance, the occasional snap and crackle and the odd pop, it was a bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but eventually all was quiet.
20/20 are the optical figures for clear vision, I just hope some of the World’s leaders have it, cos there are one or more that have blinkers on, including old “I know Wind’ Trump. Incidentally, if you missed his speech on Wind, may I recommend you read it. On one side it’s hilarious, but on the other you have to remember that this demented old windbag has his finger on the nuclear button!
So off we go into the future, who knows what it will bring.
As to New Year Resolutions,
1 Vegans, please just eat your cabbage quietly,
2 XR, stop sniffing glue and annoying those who work for a living and have to travel to do so.
3 LBGTA2Z, Your act is over played and over done, so shut up.
4 Bring back the cane for young criminals, a little sharpener sets you straight.
So there you have it, it’s 2020 whether you like it or not
Deck the Halls with Plastic Holly Falalala la, lala lala
‘Tis time to use your hard earned lolly Falalala la, lala lala
Christmas is a time for spending6 Falalala la lala lala
Provided that the Bank is lending Falalala la lala lala
Click and Buy is here to stay Falalala....
No shopping in the Mall all day Falalala............
Yer going to ‘ave to spend a lot Falalala.....
Just max out every card you’ve got Falalala....
Dad wants socks and Sis wants nickers Falalala La.....
Yer little Bro wants Star Wars Stickers Falalala...
“Yer took me teef!” Gumms Auntie Flo Falalala...
When yer snogged me neath the mistletoe Falalala ....
All topped up with port and brandy Falalala..
Some vomit bags might come in handy.. Falalala...
So gird yer loins and please don’t moan Falalala.....
Yer gotta year to pay the loan Falalala la, lala lala
A CHRISTMAS TALE OF TWO SMALL CHILDREN
The creation of Father Christmas originated in Germany over a century ago, and now he is an international figure of fame and goodwill, bringing much excitement and joy to little children spread across the Globe. Presents Lists are made and dispatched to the Present Factory where the gnarled little elves toil away on zero hour contracts for months on end. Come Christmas Eve when they are done and dusted, Grumpy and his gang repair to McDonalds for a Happy Meal, Pizza Express is no longer a venue for ‘onourable elves!
Meanwhile Old Father C orbits the Globe in his carbon free Deliveroo sleigh , actually I’m not sure about the carbon free bit as reindeer are renowned for their farting capabilities!, while millions of small people are eagerly awaiting his arrival, and, as the level of anticipation and excitement grows there is a good chance of the thrill of some small people reaching the ‘pee in yer pants proportions’ and a small plaintive voice saying “Ma I’ve done a wee wee”
There were two such small children at Langham Hall, near Bury St.Eds, our family home, namely my half brother and sister, and both were in a fever of excitement as Christmas Eve approached.
Our stepfather decided to go all out for it and hired a wonderful Father Christmas outfit from Bermans, costumier “par excellence” to the Royal Ballet, International film studios and more, it was a glorious red and white costume with a wonderful bushy white beard.
At the designated bewitching hour we all foregathered by the Christmas Tree in the big drawing room, and then one of the large French windows was opened and as we all peered outside, all we could see was a cold, dark and windy night. We could also see the stone paved terrace by the house, and on the far side of this terrace was a drop of two feet into a large sunken rose garden.
Meanwhile and Father Christmas had taken up station some thirty yards to the left of all this, camouflaged behind a small cherry tree.
At precisely 6pm, Uncle John shone his big car flashlight out into the night, it was just like a searchlight beam of an anti aircraft battery from a decade ago.
‘Oh look.’ He said. ‘ I think I can see something moving over there” Both children stared into the blackness, a tiny tinge of the unknown creeping into their small minds.
Meanwhile, out in the dark night, Old Father Christmas was in deep doo, the wintry cold wind had blown the end of his beard into a low branch of the tree, and he couldn’t free it, and was struggling frantically to get disengage from the tree, the white fur in his sleeve ends could be seen frantically flailing about in the dark night, it was as though Father Christmas was having a fisticuff fight with someone.
Then suddenly he broke free and staggered back, picked up his sack, and began to approach the house.
Back in the drawing room, none of these wild and frantic actions had escaped his erstwhile young fans, and my young half brother was now clinging desperately to Nanny while his sister had taken refuge under the tree, but they were both still watching!
What came next won’t ever be forgotten by the family.
Because of the searchlight shining directly in his face, Father Christmas couldn’t see a foot in front of him, and knew full well that there was a two foot drop somewhere to his front. Were he to fall headlong into this pit and break a leg, it might well be a cause for much blubbing.
As a result of the hidden minefield, he was now taking very slow gargantuan and galumphing steps in our direction, wobbling from side to side while shouting words we couldn’t hear because of the wind, ( “turn that bloody torch off”). But “le piece de resistance” was his beard and red hat; due to the force required to disentangle from said cherry tree, they had both slipped fifteen degrees anti clockwise , so now his beard stuck out horizontally from his left ear while the red hat did the same from the right ear.
Father Christmas had morphed into some gruesome gremlin of the night .
Put that all together in the minds of the young children, and you have a wild red monster staggering towards you out of the dark yelling his head off and, all the while, with long red and white pointed objects sticking out either side of his head, and what’s even worse, it appears to be coming to get you.
With screams they both fled back to the nursery wing, terrified beyond all reason, and it took Nanny quite some time to get them to calm down and sleep.
Two whisky and sodas later, accompanied by much giggling, Father Christmas and his lighting technician declared the whole event to have been be a resounding success.
For two ex Guards Officers from World War 2, the plot wasn’t perhaps the best, and they should have remembered that once you pass the Start Line, all plans are void.
Jeremy Rugge-Price Christmas ‘19
The following emails relate to a small campaign I am managing on behalf of our neighbours and their unfortunate chicken. Please do whatever you can to help as the efforts of the Lord Lieutenant may not be sufficient to stop the slaughter.
Last month we went for four days to a little place called Morgat in Brittany, the last time I was there was in 1949 and every subsequent summer till 1954. I’m thrilled to say that it was every bit as delightful today as it was then and that’s a rarity nowadays. A little fishing and sailing port with a huge sandy beach, and a cloudless sky for four days. This was a real R&R holiday, as opposed to the working trips to Maine, and was much needed after a four-year gap. All we had to worry about was where and what to eat, langoustine, moules, soup de poisson, and last but by no means least, deux boules de glacé aux chocolate or tarte aux pommes each evening! We were also the sole English couple there, which in today’s World, gives Morgat a five-star rating.
To be fair, people of any and every nation, when herding on holidaying, are dreadful, and as Brits we are top of the Premier League!
Now we are back to Brexit, Extinction Rebellion and Impeachment. In our house we don’t do Brexit, it’s gone beyond the realm of fantasy whereas with the upcoming Trump impeachment palava imploding within the White House, there’s never a dull moment. With his shoot-from-the-hip tweeting incriminating him more each hour of the day and night, while his own lawyer, Rudy the Mouth, runs amok with fantasy and little or no aforethought, while his Chief of Staff tries to eat his hat. Who knows, maybe they will end up in the same cell!
Then there is the herd of Extinction Rebellion. That there is a problem is in no doubt whatsoever and something must happen to slow down the Global Warming. Apart from He of “unmatched wisdom” presently squatting in the White House, I think we are all agreed upon that, but not necessarily as XR expounded. I’m sure that most of the protesters are sensible people, or so they seem that is, apart from the obsessive anti meat vegan, anti-establishment and anti-capitalist activists gathered amongst their numbers. But the methods the XR are using to promote their cause, have been a PR disaster of mega proportions, akin to that of Moses and the Red Sea! The disruption caused to ambulances, commuters and workers, roads and transport in general, annoyed and infuriated everyone. To begin with XR cast all came by car, bus or train, more carbon emissions. If they had marched all the way as the miners did from across the Country, it would have meant much more. Given the scarcity of police officers nationwide, plus the high rise in stabbings due to County line drug gangs, the XR passive non action requiring at least two Plods to carry away each protester is totally misguided and ridiculous, besides creating a police budget of gargantuan proportions. I would drag ‘em away by their bootstraps on the basis that banging their heads on the tarmac might knock some common sense into their heads. As to those clowns that glue themselves to buildings, roads, trains and even to each other, in fact especially the latter, let them remain stuck to the tarmac or each other for a minimum of twenty-four hours. They will soon become wet and very smelly, and what’s even better, they can’t use loo paper cos their hands are glued!
As I said, there is a Worldwide problem of Climate Change, but XR activists don’t, or won’t, acknowledge that industry and science is way ahead of them in this field, and that it’s big business, plus shareholders, who are leading the way via technology. But there are still some of us around that grew up in an age where we didn’t have that “little green bag”. As small children back in the forties, our dirty and smelly nappies were washed daily by hand and hung on the line. So, if yours were stuffed in the garbage bin, don’t blame me for global warming!
There was a recent Panorama program that involved one journalist, one climate/carbon footprint expert, and a family of four, Dad, Mum and two kids. In one month, they reduced their Carbon footprint through changes in food, heating and transport and in the one-hour Panorama programme, showed how to achieve this and it was explained very simply and straightforwardly. Something which XR, in their thousands, have failed to do since they began their herd revolt.
Then there is the Canadian trans cyclist. Having swapped his manhood for female attire, Mr/Ms. McKinnon declared it was his/her “human right” to compete in women’s professional cycling events! Bollocks to that Mate, to allow that would ruin all professional sports for good. If you want to be a They that’s fine, but go play with your own Theys, perhaps a They LBTGXYZ Olympics of their very own would be the answer.
I look forward to entering my eightieth year in 2020, and as you will gather, have little time for the PC propaganda. In the days and nights when the skies were lit up by searchlights while anti-aircraft guns and bombs shattered the silent night, we all pulled together.
Today it seems we are besieged by herds of nerds.
“Beam me up Scotty”
Oct 22 ‘19
Important Notice for Cone Heads
Farmers, particularly those who raise livestock, are suffering huge losses due to “Midnight Rustlers”. In our area it’s mainly piggies that are pinched while in the more hilly districts of the U.K., it’s the sheep that go missing, not just one but in hundreds. It’s big time money for meat these days, despite the “fatwa” issued by the austere Head of Goldsmiths, London University, her dictat is the removal of beef from the undergraduates’ menu. Where’s the Beef! Her reasons are founded in carbon emissions from the herd. Well, if I have to eat cabbage and beans instead, my daily personal carbon emissions are capable of blowing away anything a few cows can do, and you don’t want to be downwind either!
As far as the masses are concerned, there are many degrees of separation as to what actually takes place on farms today. In some big cities, New York for example, there is a petting zoo in Harlem containing a few cows that the Young Bruvs can see and even touch, in order that they might understand from whence cometh the “white stuff” in the carton, Yo, Bruv, y’know what ah mean!
If you think that is crazy, try this:
A young checkout counter clerk was recently presented with a box of loose tea leaves. On being told what it was and how you make tea with it, he said.” Oh, I see, when you get home you fill up the teabags yourself”?
Our local Latitude Festival came under fire from many, including the RSPCA, the media and the Wailing Wallies of the Loony Fringe, for displaying sheep of many colours, on the basis that it did them harm! Joseph, he of the multi coloured Coat fame, would have been gobsmacked by the hues on display and I’ve no doubt that Little Bo Peep would also have found these multi coloured sheep to be utterly orgasmic. Anyway, farmers have been dying sheep for years, not only to help with lambing but to deter sneaky sheep nappers!
A friend of mine once had similar trouble on his land in the Welsh Border Country, so he had a chat with the Commanding Officer of the SAS at their barracks in nearby Hereford. A rumour was leaked in the locality that the land was being used for training exercises by the SAS. In fact, they didn’t but from that moment on nobody dared trespass.
T’aint only the folk we are missing here this summer, we seem to have fewer flies, which is a blessing. Normally the fly paper hanging in the kitchen is adorned with hundreds of tiny insects, known in Maine as No Seeums. Very apt description, but this year, no see um!*
It’s comforting to know that Her Majesty has exactly the same opinion of our present pusillanimous politicians as the rest of us. In the words of the great Terry Thomas, ‘What an absolute Shower!’
The young children that come here every summer are a delight to behold and a pleasure to see, many are grandchildren of long-term Orford residents. Of an evening, the Rec playing field is host to many sports, football, tennis, rounders, and even mini badminton. The other evening two seven-year olds were having little success in getting the shuttlecock over the mini net while their respective mums stood by chatting endlessly, totally oblivious to the low standard of play, par for the course, of course! Now I’ve never played the game, but it was abundantly clear a little instruction was needed, and after a few minutes of one on one they were beginning to get the hang of the game with the occasional rally over the net.
All this sporting activity is good to behold but the other side of the tracks, events are not improving. The multitude of stabbings, many by young teenagers, that haunt the country are not good. There are plenty of reasons why it is happening, and again, many ways that are being put forward to containing and stopping it, but none appear to be working. My personal suggestions don’t just lock ‘em up for a few months, it’s utterly pointless, I would suggest six strokes of a heavy-duty cane for each stab. As I well remember from my own youth, FEAR is a great deterrent. By the way, the best way of thrashing is with a right back hander, you achieve more sting that way! I’m a supporter of human rights but, let’s face it, this country has gone soft, wishy washy and lost the plot in the schools and streets. There is very little PT or sports and too much interference by pushy parents and other “do good” nosy Parkers. Even the Bible says it very clearly, “Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child”, I’ve no doubt it’s in the Koran too, so it includes our Moslem Brethren as well. Gee whizz, in my prep school, the six inch long wooden blackboard erasers that went whizzing around the classroom were a weapon of choice by our Maths master, a fast bowler for Kent; while the Latin master had a scratch handicap in tweaking both ears at the same time, which is far more painful than wash boarding; and then there was our French teacher, the indomitable Miss Vickers, who had escaped from the clutches of the Wehrmacht in Normandy, (no mean feat for a five foot high fifty year old), so she had that “ ve haf vays of making you shut up” skills and they were enough to silence Hitler! Were you stupid enough to continue she just came straight to your desk and hit you, VERY HARD! Game, Set and Match. You gotta get em while they’re young, a short, sharp and painful lesson does wonders for the mind and cleanses the soul!
There was an article in the Telegraph by Dr Tony Sewell, an expert in this field, in which he states that the Police and Teachers have lost their ‘authority’ within the community, so add loss of parental control to that and the main sources of good behaviour and respect have been removed from our culture. He proved it is possible to rectify this in school by the introduction of rules, routines and uniforms within the Borough of Hackney, where school ratings went from being some of the worst in the country to now being in the best category. So, there is hope yet.
Speak of the Devil, I just watched a small boy, about seven, refuse to do what his Mum wanted and stamping his foot while shouting “I don’t wanna and I’m not gonna anyway!, Two minutes later he was doing exactly as she had asked. The inducement? She bought him an ice cream! Rutting Rhinos, a good clip round the ear’ole wouldn’t half sharpen him up.
Well August Bank Holiday has come and gone, the Flower Show, the Market Square Bun fight and the Orford Dinghy Race. Mr & Mrs Joe Public and all their little Publics, Uncle Tom Cobbley and all came flooding in, perspiring profusely from every pore. There was a report from an Essex beach of air pollution and people having severe breathing difficulties, the cause was put down to a local fuel spill, but I suspect they had temporarily O/D’d on severe wafts of B/O.
PS. * I wus wrong, cos now I see um plenty!
Our summer is jogging along, but very slowly, we seem to have lost our flavour of the month in Orford: no doubt that will thrill a few local stick-in-the-muds, but it don’t ‘elp the bottom line of our retail businesses.
It is, after all, these few months that help most fill their coffers and should that not happen, it will be to the detriment of all of us. However, the saying “build and they will come” often comes true, and there’s lots of building afoot, and with new houses yet to come, including Laura’s new pumps when the Four Horsemen of Orford are done with the developer.
Perhaps it is a good thing that all is still relatively quiet, for it gives one time to deal with other very important matters that bubble to the surface every so often. The latest involves a topiary chicken that resides in a neighbour’s garden, she’s been there quite a while and never bothered a soul, she doesn’t even cluck loudly at dawn, but when her comb grows too big, she does stick her beak out a bit into the path. I received an email from the very nice Scottish couple that own the house and chicken. They had been sent a note by the Suffolk County Highways Dept., asking them to “lop of her head” as she was partially blocking the path. As they were in Scotland, they asked if I and other friends could help them in postponing the beheading of this lovely chicken on Death Row.
I immediately wrote to Ms Reasoning (yes, you couldn’t make that up) in the Highways Dept. with the heading “Headless Chicken” and asked for a deferment for the old bird who, by now, had been christened Mrs Cluck by one of her many supporters. The next day my incoming email box was full of cries of fowl play and so Paula and I went out to pay the old girl a visit, and sure enough, Old Ma Cluck was looking a tad bedraggled and much in need of a “perm and set.” So, we set about her barnet with the hedge clippers and now she’s looking much more perky, but that’s not the end of it, Clucky is on Instagram and Facebook, and support is flowing in daily. Mrs Cluck is admired by many, especially children, so what prompted this Grumpy Grinch to do such a fowl deed.
We were both saddened by the death of Ruth, she was a friend and a lovely lady and we both will miss her as will many others in the Village.
On the TV programme, “Who do you think you are?”, Kate Winslet declared fervently how simply AWFUL it would have been had she discovered that her forbears came from the wealthy or aristocracy, beggar the thought Girl! Personally, I’m only too glad that my ancient ancestors had a bob or two, Ceinogs the Welsh coinage was called, but they were in very short supply, so most household bills were paid with cattle, Mrs Moo being the everyday currency. These Welsh ancestors of ours were responsible for some of today’s international monetary terms: in Welsh, Chattels = cattle = capital; or the Latin equivalent: pecus = cattle = pecuniary; and you all thought we were just gormless Taffies who could do nowt but sing!
So it came to pass, many moons ago, that I was born, luckily with a rather tarnished golden spoon in my mouth, but as I approach the time to drive down the Highway to Hell, I will be presenting myself at the exit for the Pearly Gates with a wooden spoon clutched firmly in my cold arthritic fingers.
Boris’s Bobbies, all twenty thousand of them, will be much welcomed back on the Beat in due course, but hopefully they will all be re-enlistments. I say that cos some new recruits are turning out to be problematic potential plods at the Police Academy. They are astounded that they have to work weekends, and some are not happy with dealing with “Confrontation” situations! I would imagine that, on hearing this news, Bert the Burglar prebooked his next year’s holiday in Benidorm. I wonder what Dixon of Dock Green would say.
On the subject of rich and poor, I often wonder whether some of our Chancellors, Home Secretaries and the like, both past and present, have any idea just how tough it is to live “below the salt”. As a Downing Street dweller, you are actually guarded by several Plods at the gates, so no worries about being burgled, they even escort you to work and back, no way you’re gonna get mugged by Yamaha Yobbos or Moped Muggers. You are able to afford private health care, so you don’t have to wait six months or more for a clinical assessment nor call 999, only to be told you’re in a queue for an ambulance, wait years on a Council list for housing, or argue with the DWP about entitlement.
All of the above are the results of the drastic cost cutting across the board that have dire consequences on those clinging desperately to the bottom rung by their fingernails.
There have been copious letters in the press about the Straits of Hormuz and how are we to defend our tankers. One asked why H.M.S. Montrose couldn’t get there quicker? Hang about mate, this is an old lady of twenty-seven years with four hundred thousand miles on the clock! I’ve no doubt her Captain had the Telegraph on Full Ahead, and, had there been rivets, I’ve no doubt they would have popped. This morning the gallant Admiral West made a case for our two huge Aircraft Carriers being part of the British Fleet. As of now one is still being built and the other has sprung a leak! so they are not available should the Iranian Speed Boats sally forth again. Over 80 % of our destroyers and frigates are in long term dry dock, thus they are not fit for duty either! So, in all reality, we don’t actually have a Fleet at all, possibly just enough ships to call it a Naval Squadron at best. So, I think Admiral Nelson’s comment “I see no ships” is more accurate than Admiral West. However, don’t blame the Navy, Messrs. Brown, Osborne and Eeyore are the culprits.
This evening, July 20th, I heard the squeals and giggles of some little children playing in a nearby garden, that means Summer is here at last. There was more this morning when the Mum was heard loud and clear, “Children, have you all cleaned your teeth, Alice, Michael, DID you hear what I said!” The arrival of children for Summer hols is always a good sign, there are the young and very keen sailors bicycling up and down from the yacht club, then there are the mini bikers and tiny scooter people in multi-colour helmets, all of whom rarely, if ever, draw breath while driving, (I wonder who taught them that?) and then, of course, those for whom the holidays are a chance to begin to build their future financial careers.
An industrious little group of girls set up a souk type stall by the bakery, (best foot traffic spot in the entire village!) selling small stones with pictures painted on one side, yours for 20p or three for 50p.
I bought two, and on the way back down to the Quay, showed them a superior version I bought in Brittany. It was a little dragon with two tiny pebbles for eyes, and I pointed out that if they did this then they could charge a pound. Eyes lit up and so the magic stones have been upgraded to deal with their clientele. Later that afternoon, one of the young team of Stone merchants biked down to the gallery with a donation to the RNLI. now that’s a class act.
PS. Thanks to all who petitioned the Highways Dept on behalf of Mrs Cluck, especially the Raisin family.
Rumour has it she might live to lay another egg.
Ever since being banished to my prep school in 1947, at the tender age of seven and a half, I’ve never been good at long goodbyes, but some are harder than others. Saying a final farewell to David and Christine Murdoch will be sad, not only for both of us but also for many in our village and parishes surrounding us that are within the parochial parish boundaries.
The good deeds they have done are too many to mention, it mattered not whether you were a church goer or not, they were both always there to ensure and comfort us when it was needed, and, as a serial sinner, I can vouch for that!
We wish them every happiness and a peaceful life in Sussex.
We spent a few days in Camden, Maine, recently. There the fields and roadsides were full of beautiful blue lupines, and, judging by the sudden arrival of the migrating Conehead Tribe, summer had arrived. I have to own up to joining them in their quest, for there is no better ice cream than Wild Maine Blueberry. I could slurp it forever!
For those of you who are new Orford residents, the Coneheads, them wot slurps ice cream , are an itinerant tribe that rush like lemmings to Coastal resorts each summer, and on arrival here, can be seen queuing in the rain for the chance to slurp an ice cream. They originated in Camden Maine, but are now to be found slurping away down by the Quay in summer months.
Speaking of which, I hope that, by the time you are reading this, our summer has indeed arrived, sans les deluges! Many newspapers are touting a blistering heat wave of unprecedented biblical proportions, no sign of it in my local weather app. Much Ado about Nowt, as usual.
Like Orford, Camden relies on teenagers out of school to help man, or girl as the case maybe, the many summer jobs in shops and restaurants, but this year it appears the teenage malaise of doing nothing has crept in and everyone is feeling the pinch. One Camden restaurant has been unable to open for lack of staff.
This indifference to earning money is relatively new in America, for past decades the “summer job” has been part of the growing up rite of passage. I’m glad to see that around here the local teenagers are still hard at it.
I was talking to a fellow fossil the other day, he and his Mrs grew up in Liverpool during the war, and he described the huge bombing raid in 1941. They heard the sirens and hid in the cellar, then the world caved in as the house was hit. Luckily no one was hurt and later that morning they were playing footie in the street while the ARP pulled out the dead. As he said, life had to go on.
Were we tougher back then? Perhaps we were, I don’t remember anyone saying they didn’t want to work, the question never actually came up, However the Troopers in our Regiment, many from Barnsley who’s Das had been “Doon Pit” could tell a tale or two about yesteryear: Ee lad, Ah tell youse, these yong blokes today, they don’t knaw how lucky they is. When we wus nippers, it were so cold in our ‘ouse that when us Da chewed ‘is peppermints, we warmed us ‘ands on his breath!
One other item I’ve noticed is the abundance of poppies everywhere, in some places it resembles a scarlet swathe across the countryside. On the Seventy Fifth Anniversary of D-Day, is this a poignant poppy reminder?
There are places I’ll remember all my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better, some have gone, and some remain
All these places have their moment with lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living, in my life, I’ve loved them all.
In a village such as ours, there are more than just a handful of crinklies and wrinklies, in fact we’ve got all sorts, the odd antediluvian or cantankerous curmudgeon and a quorum of venerable and ageing fossils like me, and many of us suffer from the occasional memory lapse, known as the Curse of The Crumblies! As one of the aforementioned, I watched Vicky Maclure - DI Fleming from AC 12 in Line of Duty, in case you have forgotten already (!) - and her Dementia Choir going through rehearsals for a public TV performance, folk of all ages, male and female, whose daily lives had been curtailed into oblivion by loss of memory, Vicky’s Nan had previously suffered from dementia.
But there they all were, singing away together in unison, and not just “Roll out the Barrel” but words from new songs in the rehearsal weeks. Amongst them was a thirty one year old father of two, ever ebbing away from his children a little more each day, he had been a one-time drummer in a band but now couldn’t keep the beat any more, yet within minutes he was able to play the drum in time to the music; then there was a lady who suddenly remembered how to play the piano after a ten year dementia absence on tinkling the ivories, she accompanied the choir, and the singers, and you could see from the smiles on their faces, that suddenly they were all back in the moment, and loving every second of that moment.
The experiments being carried out by Professor Sebastian Crutch from University College, London, and Dr. Lauren Gascoyne of Nottingham University had participants wired up for further research into dementia, and although music can’t cure this from happening, it is abundantly clear from the results that there is a connection. It showed on the scans that neutrons in the brain, which previously had not responded to any other incentives, did respond immediately to music. The final concert with an audience of two thousand people in The Royal Concert Hall in Nottingham was a huge success but at the same time very poignant to watch, especially with the song Vicky chose, “In My Life” a Beatles Classic. The idea was brave, brilliant and hugely beneficial to those with memory problems and is one that should be repeated around the Country, especially in places like here with its ageing population.
As I wander daily through our local forests with Ace, I do the Teddy Bears Picnic hum “If you go down to the woods today, be sure of a BIG surprise” just in case I forget where I parked the car! Some years ago, I issued instructions to my wife and my family to ensure that once I go doolally, those looking after me recharge my iPad batteries every day so that I can listen to my music. On the other side of the coin, some remarks from those who are losing it, can be very amusing, and if you can’t laugh then I pity you.
My Step Grandma had a few corkers;
A large dinner party where the topic was the sudden demise of a mutual friend who had recently died after a thrombosis. At a gap in the conversation she said, “Poor David, he had a tombola, you know!’
Being driven home from London, the car was approaching Bury St Eds and the huge sugar beet factory hove into view, with two tall chimneys belting out clouds of steam: “Oh Good Lord, the Abbey is on fire!”
By the way, for those of you who benefit from the loss of pain by using CBD oil, try eating local shrimp! It’s a proven fact that cocaine has been found in Suffolk shrimp of late. Pinney’s, here I come! The lady in the fish shop told me “Stuff ‘em up yer nose Darlin, don’t eat em!” And oh yes, I nearly forgot, the Company that produces the best CBD oil in the U.K. is based in the one-time sleepy village of Elmswell in Suffolk, near where I grew up. Seems we are way ahead of the entire Country when it comes to County Lines!
As another Cone Head Slurping Season is about to commence, the question of Summer Parking swims into focus yet again: the Market Square at a total standstill due to over parking; the Quay Street car park bulging at the seams, the Quay itself swamped with cars parked for hours, their owners duly attending them at all times (!) and our little localised problem with tractors unable to get to the fields either via the Square or by Munday’s Lane.
In previous years I’ve placed cones in the narrow part, but these are swiped by a local, surprise, surprise! This year I’m trying something new, a little ditty requesting they park elsewhere.
If it’s here you wanna park,
In the day or after dark,
You’ll block our farmers right of way,
from sowing seeds or cutting hay.
For tractors now are giant machines,
much wider than they’ve ever been,
So all we ask, with due good grace,
please go find another space.
There is, in fact, a relatively simple answer, put a legal Eastern Suffolk Council sign on the Castle Close brick wall. Our esteemed Council Ladies in the Town Hall have asked politely if this could be done as they already have the required sign, but the “good” Burghers that live behind the wall won’t allow it?! Not exactly communal spirit, rather more a touch of ‘I’m all right Jack, pull up the ladder!’
Finally, I had to dispose of some glass jars yesterday, the first bin had bottle necks protruding from the top, so I moved to the second one and this time, opened the bin lid - Holy Moly - it was practically full as well, so I checked the rest of ‘em! Ninety percent of the empty bottles were Châteaux Sans Jambes or Prosecco Putanata, so it can be said that old habits die hard here, and I suppose it helps swirl memories around the brain cells.
Mrs May it’s time for you to scarper,
The Country won’t approve your Brexit Deal
No more votes now, pack yer bags now
We’ve made it clear enough, it ain’t your place to stay
(with apologies to Herman’s Hermits!)
As I begin my next Rambling, it’s eight pm on Easter Monday, the village is silent, many locals a’bed, the cone heads are gone and all’s well.
That was a very sunny Easter holiday and it was lovely to see and hear small children all around, some in strollers, hermetically sealed from the sun’s rays, (it must get awful hot and sweaty in there!) some suitably helmeted youngsters on bikes and teenie females on teenie scooters pushing along Quay Street. I always find it fascinating that the latter scoot along whilst talking nonstop, it’s easy to see, later in life, where the fair sex gets their driving skills from.
It’s often the remarks of children that are astoundingly down to earth:
A small scooter lady. ‘Oh, look Mummy, the Ice Cream man is here, I’m going to have a chocolate one!”
Harassed Mum, trying to keep her eyes on three small people spread out over some twenty five yards of roadway as cars and Lycra Bikas hurtle past.
“No Alice, you haven’t had your lunch yet, “
“But Mummy, I told you I didn’t want to have lunch today so you see I can have an ice cream!”
It would seem the Silly Season has arrived now, somewhat ahead of schedule. The Extinction Rebellion has the right goal in mind, I do worry about my grandchildren and what sort of World will they have to live in? However, their tactics, with which I disagree, are probably annoying more folk than gaining new recruits, and seem to produce some strange bedfellows.
An aged fossil just like me was just one example. Having somehow managed to climb on top of a train, no mean feat given his age of 83, he then glued himself to the roof. When he was duly arrested and brought before the Beak, he was asked his age and nationality, he answered that he didn’t recognise “nationality”, why then did he hold a British passport?
Then there’s Mrs Totty Thompson, shouting the odds from the bridge of the good ship Pink Potty about how she has personally been to the ends of the earth and witnessed all the climate changes happening. If you add in the frequent flier miles, she amassed to do all this, onto those from the flight from California just to attend The Rally, her huge carbon footprint is more than most individuals will achieve in a lifetime.
The huge army of Plods did a great job, and I fully approved of the pair that danced a jig, not only was it very similar to the jig I do every morning when trying to put on my pants, but it also showed a very human streak, contrary to the opinion of Mrs Dick, the Chief Plod. However, If I were PC Plod, I would leave the Glu-Ites stuck fast to doors, windows and trains for a few days, why not wait till they want a wee or a poo! Those “gallant” few, who glued themselves together in a line outside the Bank of England, after a day or two, would leave much more than a Carbon Footprint!
I’m heartened to see that our Four Horsemen For “Friends” are making much headway vis a vis a village garage to include pumps and small pickings as were supplied by Laura. It would be wonderful to have our casual meeting place back as well as the pumps, Bon Chance Gentlemen.
As a Generation War Baby, born in 1940, today’s world becomes more intimidating day by day when it comes to IT and that unknown world within my iPad. Now the utility companies like EON, BT etc. Send me emails telling me my monthly account can be viewed on line, but if you can’t remember your password you are stumped unless you can navigate your way through a mine field of questions to reset the effing thing. But I don’t want to reset it, I just want the old one I always had. Resetting it means I’ll never remember it again, and don’t suggest I write it down somewhere, cos I’ll never remember where I put the piece of paper, it’s a non sequitur.
Recently I had reason to ask the DVLA a couple of questions, it would have been easier and quicker to drive to Swansea and ask them, and I still don’t know the answer.
Last week I asked the new East Suffolk Council a question by email; the automated response told me that my query would be answered in due course, but they were experiencing difficulties and it might be six weeks before I heard from them!
Maybe they have forgotten their password too!
ps Interesting letter from a geophysicist in today’s paper,
“CO2 levels have little to do with Global Warming!”
A week ago, there were many news items about the Viking cruise ship that was in serious trouble off the Norwegian coast, with images of passengers being bowled over together with chairs and tables. For non-sailors this must have been very scary, not only because they had no control over what was happening, but also the incessant and terrifying roar of wind and waves which just added the right background atmosphere for Dante’s Inferno.
Yet the actual storm conditions weren’t more than gale force 9 or possibly 10, the winds were 60mph and the waves 25 ft. high. That’s rough but the ship was 47,000 tonnes and seven hundred and fifty feet long so that shouldn’t be a problem, but the situation was made worse by the fact that she was lying broadside to wind and waves due to lack of power.
So yes, for passengers this would indeed, be frightening
In 1958 I was part of the crew of the cargo ship, SS Clan Cumming, a mere 10,000 tonnes gross weight, and 450 ft in length. We were steaming from Mauritius to Calcutta and encountered a Force 14 Typhoon in the Bay of Bengal, which, for you that are sailors, is the only part of the World where Force 14 is registered by world weather stations.
The wind was 150 to 180mph, the swell over eighty feet and the cresting tops to each wave another twenty feet, so one hundred feet in total. I was an eighteen-year-old and one of four helmsmen on the ship. From my position on the wheel I could see the monstrous waves bearing down above us, but there wasn’t time to be frightened, I had to concentrate on keeping the bows on course, or else we would be broached and would be swamped.
The real motion we were going thru was enormous as described in the reality check below. Even off watch eating and playing cards required “Sea Legs”,
A Reality Check
Just imagine you are standing on a raised platform twenty-foot by sixteen with just the wooden ship’s wheel to hold on to.
The platform is going up and down like an express elevator for one hundred and ten feet permanently, while at the same time it is tipping forward and backward through an arc of fifteen degrees from the horizontal, that being the pitch and toss motion of the ship when standing on the bridge.
Now add to that the twenty-five-degree rolling motion to either side and this creates the corkscrew motion of the ship and you begin to get the feel of just how difficult this is to merely stand up let alone walk!
The above movements are happening at the same time without any pause.
Should you wish to step outside onto the exposed deck then add a few more ingredients to the mix; a 140/180 mph wind trying to blast you off your feet with the spray blinding and stinging your face like stones. The catatonic roar of the ocean and the screaming banshee of the wind through the rigging is more than deafening; you cannot stand up without holding on to a fixed object such as a stanchion or rail.
Walking required careful timing as every time the bow dropped, your feet were left in mid-air which allowed the wind to grab hold and spin you sideways; then the deck would rise up again and hit your feet, jarring the knees each time.
If you were crossing the fifty feet of open deck from our accommodation to the bridge superstructure, either to go on watch or to eat in the saloon, then you have to add in the fact that the seas were sweeping clear over the deck and so hundreds of gallons of water were sloshing to and fro, knee deep, as you made your way forward. Put that all together in the blender and switch on; there you have it, that was our life for the next forty-eight hours.
Living with this upheaval was a feat in itself. Eating required much concentration if you didn’t want a lap full of hot Balti curry or scalding tea; sleeping was fine as long as you wedged your body in the bunk with extra padding and anyway, fatigue was a such a major player in this game that sleep was very easy to come by.
This went on for forty-six hours without any form of let up, other than a brief three hours in the eye of the storm when the wind dropped but the sea didn’t.
That is a Perfect Storm!
It’s a human trait to wonder just where you will end up when your dead. I expect to go down below and fear that JC will sign me on to the SS Eternal Damnation, a cruise ship to Hell, with five thousand passengers on board,
God what an awful thought! I can’t believe people pay good money for being incarcerated on a floating hulk, they are not ships in the true sense of the word. However, it’s not the ship I mind so much as the multitude of the masses on board, restricted to the common areas of the vessel and the enforced nonstop gaiety. To me that’s far worse than any Hurricane.
Meanwhile here in Orford, the usual unnecessary bickering goes on from those who hate to see anything change for the better. The new, but much needed, signs warning pedestrians of no footpath on Quay St near the church has them wittering away in the wings.
Methinks they are suffering from Acute Canute Disorder!
As I write this, we are in the middle of the February heat wave and the temperature outside is 12C, it’s strange but wonderful at the same time and we even had some cone heads slurping away at the weekend. Yet at the back of my mind is that old Jock saying, “Nay cast a cloot till May is oot”, and I so haven’t packed away my winter long johns just yet, as yer dinna ken wots roond the bend! I wish they had meant the PM.
Like most of my generation, memory isn’t our strong point, and losing things we really need is a daily event. Today I lost one of my hearing aids, or earphones as I call ‘em. We spent several hours moving furniture, checking pockets, looking in the car, etc. etc, and as it was getting past our 8pm bedtime we called it a day. As I was getting myself ready to crash out, I found it, ‘twas in my ear! C’est la Vie!
The news that the planning application for the houses on the Friends garage site has been withdrawn is excellent, the Power of the People spoke out loud and clear. On top of that is the added bonus that a group of locals, Orford’s Four Musketeers, have instigated discussions on a new pump and shop site! So, what was originally a “Dies Horribilus” when Friends had to close, could well turn out to be a “Dies Magna” in days to come.
The builders working on Quay House are stripping away the grey screening which is exposing some lovely red brick, and if left like that it would be really much prettier. It appears much interior work is being done as well, including a large basement and work won’t be finished this summer. Great job no doubt, but has anyone told the new owners it could all be underwater in twenty years?
In my last Rambling I mentioned a few anecdotes from my younger days and the people involved, among those are the various butlers that my parents had, all of whom were numbered amongst our best friends. Being a butler is no easy task, and in the days of Mr Carson of Downton Abbey, his immediate team was swelled in number by under-butlers, boot boys and even one to stock up wood and coal buckets around the house. But by the time I was a nipper, the poor old butler was all on his own some, laying the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner, serving the food at each meal, and clearing the table each time, seven days a week. In addition, there was all the silver to be cleaned, cutlery and silver salvers, large ornate trophy cups and centrepieces, even ash trays, mustard pots and salt cellars, a never-ending task that was a bit like painting the Forth Bridge. There was the wine to be decanted, port and brandy decanters refilled, all of which generally required a quick taste test to ensure nothing had corked overnight, quite heavy on the liver, that last task. Then there were the clothes and shoes of the Master of the house, plus those of any male guests staying at the time. This necessitated the brushing of suits and dinner jackets and laying them out on a chair for the owner to get dressed, and of course the packing and unpacking of male guests’ suitcases. As I said, no easy task and not one for the faint hearted.
Our first Butler, Archer, was a wonderful fellow with a bulbous red nose the colour of vintage port, and he was a best pal to us three brothers. Archer had a habit of forgetting to pack an item of guests apparel and, eventually, was warned to mend his ways. One day my Stepfather and Uncle were on the last hole of the Royal Worlington Golf Course, some fifteen miles away, when they espied Archer peddling furiously down the road with a large paper parcel in his wicker basket. “It’s Mr John’s dressing gown sir, he left in the bathroom” was his excuse as he stood by the 9th green. As he mounted his bike for the return trip, my Stepfather said to him. “We will be eight for dinner, Arthur, not six, make sure you are back in time “. He was.
For reasons I know not why, butlers and nannies are generally at loggerheads, and this was much the case at Langham Hall. One sunny afternoon, Nanny was walking out of the front drive, with our younger half brother Charlie in a very smart perambulator, and as she started down the little road to the village, lo and behold, Archer hove into view. He was wobbling and weaving his way up the narrow road on his green Raleigh bicycle, making his way back from a post prandial visit to the village hostelry. As he passed Nanny, he gallantly took one hand off the handlebars and waved with gusto, which given his condition, was a fatal move. He promptly swerved towards the deep ditch at the roadside and, dressed in his butler’s uniform, striped trousers and all, fell headlong into the ditch. He didn’t hurt himself but in his inebriated state with his legs waving like an upturned beetle and head buried at the bottom of the ditch, he was completely stuck and unable to extricate himself. His eventual recovery was undertaken by the chauffeur, Hartley, who had been notified of Archer’s ditched demise by Nanny. Archer was “On Parade” a few hours later serving dinner, naturally.
As you may have realised, I led a very protected life as a boy, but next week I come face to face with the real world; watch this space!
I have just posted a new website for my work, both here and in the US.
I am on the way to being a pseudo vegan by default, not design, due to my becoming a toothless old twat, my meat-masticating molars have bitten the dust and are no longer a part of me. Luckily there’s still shepherd’s pie and hamburgers to be had, although due to some ridiculous Health and Safety law, British eating houses can’t cook a rare hamburger unless the meat is certified. So, what you get is a piece of meat that resembles the leather heel of a shoe in both appearance, taste and texture, completely and utterly uneatable.
I read an article the other day which commented on the posh accents of boys who had been educated at Eton and Harrow and went on to describe how they felt it necessary to alter their accents to hide this fact from their peers in everyday life. My World War 2 generation never had this problem as everyone had to do two years National Service; whether you were posh or pleb mattered not a jot, because for four weeks we all suffered together in the same melting pot of Basic Training, cheek by jowl with Cockney teddy boys, Glaswegian “heed” cases, Brummies, Geordies and Scousers.
However, my first notion of a country dialect was here in Suffolk. Our home, Langham Hall, (above) was situated midway between Bury St. Eds and Stowmarket, a beautiful William and Mary house sitting in one hundred and fifty acres of parkland with thirteen acres of garden. I mention this only to show how totally cut off from the Wide World we actually were while growing up. There was no mains electricity within the tiny village of Langham and we made our own power by a huge coal fired engine that acted as a generator, it resembled a traction engine without wheels. Most of the living in staff came from other parts of the Country, but the gardeners, all three of them, were from the tiny village of Langham, just a mile away. There were only fifty inhabitants of the village, and apart from three who had fought in the war, thirteen had been by bus, Fridays only, to Bury St Eds and the rest hadn’t been anywhere outside a three-mile radius.
It was pure Suffolk back then.
The head gardener was John Frost, known as Freezer by one and all, and he had been bending over potting plants and veggies for so long that he couldn’t stand up straight when talking to you. This meant you couldn’t see his face under his old flat hat and that made his words quite difficult to understand, especially with his broad Suffolk accent.
On one occasion he appeared in my Stepfather’s study and said. “It’s Burrd Sir, ee’s gorn!”
Not understanding what he meant, my Stepfather replied. “What do you mean, where’s he gone to?”
“Ee be loyin in them there roses, and ee be gorn!”
They both went off together to the walled rose garden and sure enough, Old Bird was definitely “gorn”, for there he was, stretched out with his boots on under a rose bush, stiff as a poker.
One of our favourites was the Cook, a lovely lady, whose daughter, Mabel, had been born a tad mentally disabled or with a screw loose as we boys used to called it in those unenlightened times, but she helped with the washing up and the laundry, both of which were hugely considerable in volume. One day it was discovered that the dear Mabel was four months pregnant, and given the near isolation in which our house was placed, the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question was, ‘oo were the Dad? As the months wore on and she grew in stature, the question remained uppermost in everyone’s mind, and there were several large wagers amongst the staff. She was taken into Bury for the birth and lo and behold, out popped a mini Chinaman, Sum Ting Wong. (Say it quickly) The Truth was outed, we had a weekly delivery of clean, and a collection of dirty, laundry and the van driver was Chinese, clearly, up to some Widow Twanky (Hanky Panky) in the back of his van, amongst the dirty sheets; Ah So
Life at Langham was rarely ever dull and as young boys, these people were our best friends, especially “Hart” the chauffeur and Arthur the Butler, but more about them next month.
In March of this year I will be entering my eightieth year, and like many of this age, the tendency to ramble on and reminisce is quite normal, but the difficulty lies in trying to remember what you are actually wittering on about. This is sometimes a problem of mind-bending proportions as I continue to write my life’s Ramblings from birth to the present day.
As the time for checking in my baggage draws ever closer, I sometimes wonder where my e-ticket destination will be, next to the boiler in the basement is the most likely I think, but then you never know as is shown in one of the little histoires I have included in my tome.
In my early teens, our family and those of our many Pilkington cousins all went together for our summer holidays to Le Grand Hotel de le Mer in Morgat, Brittany. The hotel was right on the sandy beach and at times the waves came right up to the steps of the hotel veranda. We kids, some twenty four strong aged between two and fifteen, ate at our own table while our parents sat together, well removed from the Gaderene Swine. The difference was that the Vin Rose flowed like Victoria Falls at theirs while pomme frites and ice cream abounded at ours. One of the parents was a lovely man called Roger Mortimer, a former Coldstream Guards Officer who was captured at Dunkirk while lying unconscious, all his men having been killed, he then became a Prisoner of War for five years. Roger went on to become the racing correspondent for the Sunday Times and was a wonderful man with an enormous sense of humour and the written word, as was seen in the book written by his son Charlie, “Letters from My Father.”
One day after a particularly liquid lunch, Roger came down the steps onto the beach, put down a towel and promptly went off to the land of Nod. There he lay, immobile, for some two hours, his lily-white skin gradually turning the colour of under done filet steak. Just as the tide began to draw closer to his toes, a bevy of Jeune Mademoiselles, in skimpy bathing costumes, came strolling down the beach. Coming across this prone burnt body they stopped and gathered around Roger. At that precise moment a wave touched his toes and he woke up. His first sight was of many bronzed and beautiful legs and thighs stretching up to the Heavens “I looked up and seeing all of these gorgeous legs, I thought, My God, I’m dead already and this must be heaven!”
So, you see, you never can tell.
There’s some scuttlebutt floating around the lower deck that a new sheriff recently rode into town! No less than a lady Copper, supposedly of some senior rank, who has taken up residence in Ferry Lane. In light of the fact that our lovely PCSO ladies have recently fallen foul of budgetary constraints, this could, indeed, be good news for us Wurzel Gummidges.
When I was a whipper snapper, if you needed Z cars, you didn’t dial 999, just a single 0 got you the local operator, who probably lived in the nearby village anyway. Once she answered you asked to be through to PC I Catchem, or Ian, dependant on who you were. On being summoned, he would mount his sturdy Raleigh bicycle and peddle sedately down our front drive to find out what was amiss.
Given the many problems our Plods are having today I wonder if our newly arrived member of the Suffolk Constabulary will oblige likewise today, I can’t wait to hear her dulcet tones of “Allo Allo, wots goin on ‘ere then”.
Ian wasn’t just a copper, he was a fine beater on the home shoot and could deliver a mean googlie during the cricket season.
Finally, my Sunday paper tells me that a vegan diet would slash greenhouse gases, and it might well be so. However, if I increase my daily consumption of veggies, I could personally put a stop to that ever happening. What’s more, our little area of England is on record for some of the highest scores when it comes to ammonia released by the local porkie farms, so I think I’ll leave vegans to chew the cud while I nosh on bangers and burgers.
‘‘Tis another year under my belt, and that time, yet again, when resolutions are made for the new year, I have but one and that’s to have a proper sun and sea holiday before it’s too late.
Along with sailing and skiing it was always a favourite of mine to mess about on a beach and I haven’t done that now for over a decade, so that’s my New Year Resolution done and dusted.
I don’t have any “do without” resolutions, I’m way past that age but however there are several people I could do without ever seeing or hearing about ever again, Mrs “let me be clear” heads the list while vegan and LBGT “activists” are next and Big mouth Blair is in third place.
Those I want to hear more from are Jezza who is single handedly keeping the Tories in power, Trump whose tweets are going to cause him to self destruct, and finally Mueller and his findings.
What will I miss in the coming year, Laura and her team, it’s a travesty.
A Happy New Year to everyone.
Until recently I had been looking forward to Christmas, I always do as I’m child at heart and the thought of a stuffed stocking at the end of my bed has never faded nearly eighty years on. Yet the dour news of the demise of Friends Garage next month has shocked the entire village of Orford, and put a big black cloud over us.
However at the Council meeting in the Village Hall last night there was Much Binding In The Marsh between many of our village elders and the Council over the future outcome. One of the more compelling speeches was from our “Senior Service” resident Mike Finney, reminding one and all of the past debacle of moving the Village shop when action that was taken was too little and too late, and gave us the urgent warning regarding the necessity to form a small but diligent group to pursue the facts and ensure that our needs are met in any future commercial garage site, “ Before Its Too Late!.”
It was clear that everyone there was reading the same chapter but not necessarily the same page, the Council appeared to be somewhat loathe to put up any funds to support a possible village joint enterprise at this time, perhaps they might reconsider if the idea floats in due course?
One aspect in all this that wasn’t mentioned was the personal position of those who run and operate the garage. Its not just the pumps, it’s not just the MOT, it’s not the repairs, it’s not the motor oil, screen wash and coolant, it’s not even the shop filled with bird food, dog food, compost, plants and seeds, light bulbs, white spirit, masking tape, fresh eggs, cold drinks and ice creams, logs, butane bottles, bikes for hire and many other necessities required in our daily village life, for all of that is replaceable, it’s the Oracle herself, it’s Laura, it’s our Minister of Information, it is the very beating heart of Orford that’s being surgically removed, and that’s what has upset everyone.
There’s rarely a time that you pull in to Friends Garage to fill up one’s car, that there isn’t someone from either Orford, Butley, Chillesford, Iken and Sudbourne waiting in the forecourt to have a natter with, it’s the central hub of our local villages from where information and news flows and spreads out across our section of the Peninsula and in reverse, locals from the other five villages flood in to use the garage amenities, and as such it’s irreplaceable. All of this before one even considers the great team that work there and the undeniable factor that Friends has been operational in this location, in one form or another be it coal and coke to a fully fledged motor repair shop, for more than a hundred years, and recently our esteemed Laura Gillespie was awarded the B.E.M. for services to the Community but now this possible development has removed her livelihood in the single stroke of a pen.
As a Community, we owe Laura and vote of thanks and appreciation for all she has done for us!
A Century of service to Orford in so very many ways, only to be unceremoniously kicked out to make room for some horrible looking houses, but then I suppose this was probably inevitable.
But despite everything everyone said at the meeting, in the final analysis just how many of these houses will be put on Airbnb for holiday rental?
What also appears inevitable is that according to Government future coastal flood plans, much of this whole area will be joining Dunwich-Under-the-Sea by 2030.
Glug Glug Glug!
An addendum to this Rambling
I find it very difficult to believe that the garage enterprise never ever made a profit, it sounded like Fake News to me, forty years and not a bean?
Someone who has lived here all their life tells me it’s not true; I can’t put down here what was actually said, it would be bleeped out
We just returned from our annual visit to the US which, ever since the War of Independence back in 1812, has been known as the Land of The Free. Under the presidency of trump, (with a small tee,) it is now called the Land of Me!
Old age has but few perks, a free TV licence still being one of them as of now, but it also brings on a few unseen problems whilst traveling abroad, hiring a car being one of them, I was charged almost double as I was an old duffer. Another old age problem is the long-term suffering from extreme jet lag, there was a time when I was flying the Atlantic regularly on business, and often had to go from the airport to a meeting regardless of the time change, but here I am almost a week after getting back home, still reeling from the after effects. In fact, by day two of our trip, the Wife and I resembled Mr & Mrs Magoo, wandering around not knowing what we were supposed to be doing or, more importantly, where the hell we were going as we drove around areas of Portland Maine that neither of us had ever seen or been before despite the fact it was her home town!
I think I’m restricting future travel to merely channel crossings and even that restricted to ferries only, I can’t be doing with the likes of Easy Jet or Ryan Air, cattle get more respect than their passengers.
It would appear that readers of my Ramblings are spread far and wide across the Globe, with my Grandchildren living in both Sydney and Cape Town I assumed this was already the case, but what self-respecting teenager would read what Grandpa says?
I just received a long communication from a retired couple in Canada who are already “regular readers”. They are trying to trace their ancestry across the Seas, much of which is in Scotland, God forbid they find a connection to Sturgeon, the wee mealie mouthed lassie presently ruling the Picts! Apparently, the name Rugge-Price peeked their interest, and why not indeed, but who do we think we are we?
Price the Prince no less, Taffies galore and Celtic to the core!
According to our family tree, authenticated by the College of Arms, our ancestor was the Prince (Chieftain or Brigand Boss?) of one of the fifteen Celtic tribes that made up the Welsh populace. No doubt rape and pillage were the cries of the unfortunates who fell foul of him but #MeToos didn’t exist back then. Eventually the family married into the Tudor dynasty and the rest, of course, is history!
Talking of #Metoos, last week there was the British Reality Star who was arrested for drunk driving; she refused the offer of a Breathalyser on the basis that her new “puffed up” lips couldn’t fit around the breathalyser nozzle!!
In bygone days I had a mate or two who lived in Harlem NYC, can you imagine one of them being asked to use a breathalyser by a New York Cop for DWI “Ma lips is too big Bro”
I went to a funeral in Weymouth of an old Regimental mate last week. We first met in Ipoh, Malaya in 1960, he was a trooper and I was green 2Lt. He eventually rose to the rank of Major, but by that time I was long gone to America. Ten years ago, we rekindled that friendship at a Regimental Reunion. There were many Old Coms at his service and it was lovely once more to hear that Yorkshire greeting “Ey oop thee” as we all came together and, as they say In Barnsley, “Ee were a good lad” and that he certainly was.
While still in military mode, my dear Brother’s village of Eastern Royal in Wiltshire is putting on a vaudeville show to commemorate the Eleventh Day of the Eleventh Month of 1918, i.e. the end of World War 1. I think that’s a brilliant idea and only wish we were doing something similar to honour those bygone but not forgotten men. This day, Sunday 11th 2018 is probably the most important day of this year. Does anyone know who went from here?
According to Mrs Letme Makeitclear, we have reached the end of austerity which is a great sound bite but from where I’m sitting, deaf as a post, “Nowt’s happening”.
And then Eeyore Hammond recently declared that our “High Street shops cannot be preserved in Aspic”.
He obviously eats at the top table, for Aspic is formed from the juice of meat and veggies and was used in preserving the shape of moulded dishes served up to the Ruling Classes. I doubt very much that it was ever served to any of those sitting “beneath the salt”
I’ve experienced both ends of the “Have and Have Not” spectrum during my lifetime and while the above-mentioned Pols are both hard working people, I wonder if they actually know the price of a pint of milk?
There’s a lot of folk out here that are really coal and coke and with nowt to eat in the old Mother Hubbard
Ah well, Next Year in Marienbad perhaps?